I recently decided to pursue an intimate relationship with a semi-close friend of mine. We have known each other since October and during the span of time between then and now, have (or should I say had) developed a pretty closely knit friendship. Coincidentally, we work together (big mistake- I know that now) and he claimed he had deeper feelings for me since we met. Well at the time, I had just stopped dating someone and was really not into the whole, dating/relationship thing due to the way it ended with the last person.
Time progressed and my friend, who I will call Josh for the purpose of this blog, grew closer and closer. About a month or so ago is when I realized how strong my feelings actually were for him. I brought this to his attention, we discussed the situation and both decided to pursue and see where our relationship could go as more than friends.
About a week ago, out of nowhere, Josh drops the "I value our friendship, can we go back to being friends?" bomb on me...at work (nice right?). I told him no, I can't go backwards, it's not how I operate. I proceeded to explain to him that there is no ill feelings on my part (that was a lie), but we would be more like acquiantances rather than close buds like we used to be.
Its is awkward at work. Since that conversation took place, I have yet to acknowledge his prescence when we are working together. My behavior is not coming from spite, I do miss talking and spending time with him, but right now it is more than I can handle--having to see him everyday because we work together. I know I can't keep this up for long. Knowing Josh, he will eventually approach me about my radical change in behavior if it keeps on (considering he's already mentioned us no longer conversating and how it upsets him to mutual close friends of ours), but I really have no words for him. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I feel completely justified and that Josh shouldn't expect for me to jump back into the way we were because it suits him best. On the other hand, I know keeping the disappointment and anger bottled up has the possibility of causing more damage to me in the long run. My advice to you all-- its not worth. Never date a friend/coworker.
I loved reading your post. I completely agree, work and relationships is just a recipe for disaster, especially if you like your job. I had a similar situation happen to me at a job once and I regretfully had to quit. I wish I didn't because I loved my job I just couldn't handle the uncomfortable feeling I got from being around my ex. I hope this doesn't happen to you, stay strong and remember it can only get better from here!
ReplyDeleteJazmyn--I'm sorry, and I know exactly what you mean...it's like you had such a close relationship as friends, and if you had ever known what he was gonna do then you wouldn't have pursued anything with him. What you are feeling completely makes sense. It's like he betrayed your feelings and your friendship. I would be angry too. That's good that you are able to not be spiteful and just play things off as co-workers. Not a lot of people can do that.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with you on the "don't start intimate relationships with co-workers" thing...and I think that also goes for next door neighbors in my book.
Jazmyn, regardless of a work relationship or not it is pretty horrible that he would just expect things to go back to the way they were. People develop friendships and once they turn into something more it takes a long time for them to even be remotely back to what they were. It CAN'T go back to what they WAS, it can be mended and you both can move forward, but it will always be different. There are guys I had been friends with for awhile before I had feelings for them or went out with and I did become friends with them later on... much later on. Even though we are "friends," if that's what you call it, it's still different. The history is still there. It doesn't magically disappear. Being that this is a co-worker, I think you are doing the right thing for now. I think it is best to steer clear as much as possible until you are ready to become friends again. If you never are, there is nothing wrong with that. He knew what he was getting himself into when he decided to move forward so he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Best of luck to things getting better and moving on :)
ReplyDeleteJazmyn, thanks for the advice; you speak the truth. I know I've tried to date a friend before, actually my best friend, and after a year of dating I was actually the one who realized we were better at being friends than being in a relationship. He didn't agree and we didn't talk for about 6 months. So after reading your side I feel slightly guilty, but I'd like to you know you can't go back, but you can definitely move forward. After a few weeks, or months, feelings won't be as intense and it'll be easier to be used to the new direction your friendship is headed towards. Who knows, maybe this will just be a funny story in the long run of your friendship. Or maybe he was just a jerk. But either way, good luck with the awkwardness at work! At least you learned a new lesson.lol
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear about that I had a similar situation last year. I lost her as a friend too. What I would do despite not wanting to let him dictate the nature of your relationship and being hurt, try to make the friendship work. Its worth it I still regret cutting of ties with my friend.
ReplyDeleteThis is a tricky situation you've got yourself into. Dating a friend, and then breaking up with them usually never turns out right. It seems that he may have been into it for just play than romance. If he is good to talk to then maybe you should just confront him about why he made moves in the first place. Btw, if alcohol was involved, that was your problem there. If not then you will either have to sort out what happened, which will strengthen your friendship with him, or move on and just forget him. It depends now on whether or not you saw your friendship with him as beneficial before your hook up. If you really enjoyed his company as a companion, you should try and work things out.
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